 |
| 9-24-'13
ALTHOUGH I DO NOT LIKE ADVERTISING FOR
GROUPS, I WILL SAY THIS MUCH FOR THE SMALL
BUSINESS ' UNDER HIS WING'S ' WHICH PROVIDES
DRINKS AND SNACK'S, HOPE OUT REACH,AND OTHER
SERVICES FOR THE HOMELESS OF HAWAII ( HILO ), THE
COMPANY WHO DONATED THE ' SEA SALTED POTATO
CHIPS,' THANK YOU.' DIRTY PHOTATO CHIPS.' I THINK
OF THE CLOUDS, SNOWFLAKES
AND OTHER SMALL MIRACLES THAT I HAVE WITNESSED.
AND NOW A POTATO CHIP ( UNDER ' NAVIGATOR ' ).
|
I HAVEN'T COMPLETELY ADJUSTED MY ABILITY TO UNDERSTAND FULLY; A COMPREHENSION IN TOTALITY.
I HAVE ALWAYS AWOKEN AT 3:00 AM FOR AS LONG AS I CAN REMEMBER. SOBER OR DRUNK, SOMETIMES NOT KNOWING WHERE I WAS. SOMETIMES ' AROUSED,' BUT NOT KNOWING WHY. MAINLY ' QUIT OF MIND-' NO ONE.'
I HAVE ALWAYS THOUGHT THAT IT WAS BECAUSE I WAS BORN AT 3:00. IT WAS WITH FRIENDS AT A DINNER TABLE THAT I LEARNED FOR THE FIRST TIME THAT I WAS BORN AT 3:03 IN THE AFTERNOON. I HAD TO LOOK AT MY BIRTH CERTIFICATE, I WAS GOING TO MAZATLAN, MEXICO FOR THE FIRST TIME.
YEARS AGO MY MOTHER TOLD ME I WAS BORN AT THREE.
MY GRANDMOTHER OCHOA ALWAYS MADE IT APPOINT TO TELL ME THAT THE DOCTOR'S BUILDING WAS ' ART DECO ' AND THAT THE NUMBERS WERE MY BIRTH TIME. " YOU WERE BORN THEN BROTHER." (THE NICK NAME MY SISTER GAVE ME.)
I HAVE YEARS OF NIGHT MARES, JESUS HELP!, MERCY! SEXUAL SHIT,ON AND ON AND ON, TO THE POINT OF, ........
IN THIS TECHNOLOGICAL WORLD AND WHEN I POSTED THE ' IRAQI WAR PICTURES,' WHOEVER YOU WHERE ( FEMALE ), ASKING ME ' DOESN'T THAT/THIS BOTHER YOU? '
YOU FIGURE IT OUT. THERE ARE OVER FIFTEEN ' HITS ' IN THIS HERO'S ACOUNTING FROM CNN BELOW.
THANK YOU.
A QUARTER OF MY LIFE MAKES SENSE.
I'M GOING TO STAY AWAY FROM THIS FOR A WHILE AND THEN PRINT ALL THE ' HITS ' AND WHAT THEY MEAN TO ME, AND MIGHT FOR THE REST OF YOU.
I SPENT OVER TWO YEARS DEFENDING THE RIGHT PEOPLE, MEN RAISED BY THEIR MOTHER'S AND LABELED, AGAINST A HOMOSEXUAL NETWORK, IN ALBQ.,NM. I DID THIS YEARS AGO, THEN ASKED A FRIEND ABOUT THE MEMORIES OF WAKING UP EVERY MORNING ' BEING QUESTIONED, DEFENDING MYSELF AND OTHERS;' OVERWHELMING THAT IT WAS, JUDY MENTIONED THAT IT SOUNDED LIKE AN ' ABDUCTION, AND OR ATTEMPTS.'
MOST OF MY ' MILITARY ' FRIENDS WOULD JUST MENTION, ' LITTLE GREEN MEN.'
ONE HIT
PANSY-" YOU WILL BE USED AS A PANSY/PATSY ( OVERLAYED )" IF YOU EVER WRITE ABOUT THIS.'-THE OTHER, EVELYN'S RELATIVES, THE ' WALKER ' SISTER'S IN TENNESSEE, NEIGHBOR DOLLY PARTON.
VERY NEAR THE SECOND ROUND OF ' ATTACKS,' " I NEVER WENT TO SCHOOL WITH YOU." I THOUGHT ' WHITEY.' A BEAUTIFUL UPPER CLASS MATE. " I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO." BUT I DON'T KNOW WHAT THIS WAS IN REFERENCE TO BACK THEN.
ARTICLE-WENDY- THIS CONNECTED TO WILLIAMS ( ROBIN, MORK AND MINDY-TV SHOW ), PAN ( SCULPTURE AND CHILD'S STORY ) AND OTHER'S.
THESE TWO WERE INTERLACED AND ' OBSERVED.' AND I VAGUELY REMEMBER IN THE FIRST ROUND OF ATTACKS AND CLEARLY IN THE SECOND ROUND, " THAT'S WHY WE DON'T NAME OUR CHILDREN AFTER THE ' CHRIST.'" I HEARD THIS IN MY HEAD.
" YOU CAN DO THE SAME THING WITH PRAYER," AS WITH RV.-THIS ABOUT 2007-08.
SECOND HIT
DANIEL-A YOUNG LADY THAT I WENT TO SCHOOL WITH. HER BROTHER LOST HIS LIFE TRYING TO BEAT A TRAIN, WHILE CRAWLING UNDER IT, ALTHOUGH ' WHY SUICIDE ' WAS MENTIONED THEN, RAMONA ELEMENTARY.
YOUNG LADY WHO'S FATHER TRIED TO HANG HIMSELF, HER FATHER. HERE IN HAWAII.
EL PASO, TEXAS. I CUT UP ALL THE CLIMBING ROPE BEFORE I LEFT. I STATED " THAT I DIDN'T WANT SOMEONE TO USE IT FOR SUICIDE; TO HANG THEM SELVES."
" YOUR CRAZY." THE NUT SAID. THIS AT THE EL PASO RESCUE MISSION. DAY AFTER, I CHOOSE HAWAII.
I MIGHT PRINT REST LATER.
Veteran confronts rape,
suicide: 'I am angry that others are going through this'
By Moni Basu, CNN
updated 2:22 PM EDT, Sat September 21, 2013
Jack Williams
attempted suicide after being raped by his drill sergeant in 1966.
·
Sexual assault is one of
two high-profile problems plaguing the military; suicide is the other
·
Jack Williams speaks out
in "Justice Denied," which focuses on male victims of sexual assault
in military
·
Study: Military victims
of violent assault are six times more likely to attempt suicide
Seattle (CNN) -- Jack Williams rejects the table the hostess has chosen in the
middle of the Mexican restaurant. He asks for the least desirable faux-leather
booth in the back corner, where he can sit with his back to the wall. He can't
stand to have people come up behind him. That's what his rapist, an assistant
drill sergeant in the Air Force, did almost 50 years ago.
It happened three times, always at about 3 in the morning.
After the third time, Williams walked into the shower at his
barracks at Lackland Air Force Base, tied a few towels together and tried to
hang himself. Security guards found him unconscious.
A part of Williams died that day in 1966. He was 18. He has not
been whole since.
Now 66, he looks back and ponders what his life might have been
had he accomplished what he set out to do: to serve his country with pride.
Instead, he has lived with rape for 47 years, with permanent injuries that make
him depend on a walker, with words like "pansy" and
"coward" ingrained in his head.
Sexual assault is one of two high-profile problems plaguing the
military; suicide is the other: Twenty-two veterans take their lives every day.
Williams harbors both demons in his head. He is caught in the
nexus of the military's two tragedies.
In May, the Pentagon released results of an anonymous survey on
sexual assault: Twenty-six thousand service members reported that they had been
sexually assault or harassed in 2012, up from 19,000 the previous year.
Women get most of the attention on this issue because,
proportionately, their numbers are much higher. Women make up only about 15% of
the active-duty force but account for 47% of sexual assault victims.
Headline-grabbing scandals have usually involved women. Two
decades ago, at the Navy's "Tailhook" convention in Las Vegas,
drunken aviators assaulted female recruits. Five years later, the Army brought
charges against 12 commissioned and noncommissioned officers for the sexual
assault of female trainees at Aberdeen Proving Ground in Maryland. Most
recently, 22 instructors were convicted in the Air Force's worst sex scandal at Lackland, where Williams was raped almost five decades
ago.
It's men like him who make up most of the military's sexual
assault cases, even though they are less likely to report their assaults. The
Pentagon survey found 13,900 male victims. But 76% do not file complaints.
"There's an assumption that rape doesn't happen to men, or
they must have been weak and not strong enough to fight (an assailant)
off," says Sue Garrison, a psychologist at the Bay Pines VA Healthcare
System in Florida.
Bay Pines is the only Department of Veterans Affairs facility in America
that offers residential treatment for male victims of military sexual assault
as well as women. Evidence suggests that men may suffer more severe symptoms
and are less likely to get help, raising the specter of other problems, like
suicide.
Williams recalls time spent on this fishing pier with his
daughter as among the best days of his life.
Stuart
Isett for CNN
The causes of suicide are complicated and not wholly understood,
but a contributing factor among veterans is sexual trauma.
A study by former Air Force psychologist Craig Bryan found that
military victims of violent assault or rape were six times more likely to
attempt suicide than nonvictims.
One key reason is the enormous sense of betrayal that service
members feel when they are assaulted by a brother in arms. The loss of trust is
magnified, says Bryan, because the military is such a tight-knit organization
whose success depends on group unity and cohesion. And there is little action a
victim can take other than report it.
"When it happens, you can't just quit your job or move
barracks," Bryan says. "So victims feel more trapped and
violated." They may worry about retribution and the impact on their
careers.
A string of recent sexual assault cases has ratcheted up pressure
on the military and Congress to curb the problem. One scandal involved the Air Force's former head of sexual
assault prevention himself,
Col. Jeffrey Krusinski, who was arrested in May after he allegedly grabbed a
woman's breasts and buttocks.
For Williams, change will come too late. But it's long overdue.
"I am angry that others are going through this," he
says. "If it isn't kept in the spotlight, it will go back to business as
usual."
And that means more men with the most honorable intentions are
destined to suffer -- and maybe even die.
It's not just about the rape
Williams tells his story on a drive from the Mexican restaurant to
a split-level brick house in the suburban city of Bellevue, the childhood home
where he nurtured his dreams.
In 1966, some young men feared the Vietnam War enough to dodge the
draft. Williams could have, too. A bout of rheumatic fever at 3 could have made
him eligible for a medical exemption because the ailment can lead to heart
damage. But Williams volunteered for the Air Force.
His grandfather fought in World War I. His uncle fought in the
Battle of the Bulge during World War II. His father was in the Army. Williams
figured it was his turn. He was suited for that line of work. At 14, he'd gone
through rigorous training to become a police cadet. Besides, it was a matter of
honor.
In June, he reported to Lackland Air Force Base near San Antonio,
Texas. It was where the fresh blood was trained, transformed in a matter of
weeks from frightened young men to warriors. There were no calendars, no
watches allowed in boot camp. One cadet scratched marks on the wall to count
the days.
The only respite from a brutal regimen came in the few hours of
sleep. But even that was taken from Williams soon after his arrival.
Williams' disability stems partly from his rape. "Justice
Denied" is a film focusing on male victims.
Stuart
Isett for CNN
Some told their stories in the critically acclaimed documentary
"The Invisible War," which featured victims of military sexual
assault. Another emotionally exhausting film, "Justice Denied," focused
specifically on male victims.
The men in "Justice Denied" believe that the power of
the military, coupled with ignorance in society about the devastating effects
of sexual assault on men, has resulted in government failure to address what
they call a super-silent epidemic.
The pressure for male victims to keep it all inside is enormous,
says Brian Lewis, 33, the first male rape survivor to testify before Congress.
He was raped in August 2000 by a superior noncommissioned officer
aboard the USS Frank Cable. He was given a personality disorder diagnosis and
discharged from the Navy after he reported the crime.
"Men are still invisible and ignored as survivors of military
sexual trauma," Lewis told the Senate Armed Services Committee in March.
He believes that America as a culture has moved beyond blaming
female victims for sexual assault but not male victims, and especially not men
in the military. They are trained to be tough, to kill.
"I think the general public expects men in the military to
defend themselves and are not seen as a victim of a crime," he says.
Or they are seen as being weak or homosexual.
"It's not about sex," Lewis says. "It's about power
and control."
Some are perceived as liars. Lewis remembers a psychiatrist at the
Naval Medical Center in San Diego telling him that he had made up his story.
"I was there to seek help, and he had basically put a knife
in my heart. I don't think I have any words to describe what that moment felt
like."
He, like Williams, tried to hang himself. He survived because he
didn't know how to tie a proper knot.
"That is a horrible thing for a Navy guy to admit,"
Lewis says.
He can muster a joke now that he is speaking out, trying to get
Congress to pass legislation -- known as the STOP Act -- that would take the
reporting, investigation, prosecution and oversight of sexual assault cases out
of the chain of command and place it under the jurisdiction of an autonomous
oversight committee.
"The military is fundamentally incapable of addressing the
crime of sexual assault because the entire justice system is rigged around a
commanding officer's authority," Lewis says. "That officer has to
choose between two people who are telling opposite stories.
"I carry my discharge as an official and permanent symbol of
shame, on top of the trauma of the physical attack, the retaliation and its
aftermath," Lewis told lawmakers on the Hill. "I fear it will be
discussed when I apply for law school, when I apply to take the bar exam, even
when I apply for a job, and I wonder what opportunities it may destroy for me.
No one should be forced to undergo such painful and inappropriate
treatment."
Williams knows how rape can destroy the life of a young man like
Lewis. He stands as testament.
A coward dies a thousand deaths
The car turns right onto 117th Avenue in Bellevue's Newport Hills
neighborhood and stops at No. 5031. It's the house Williams' parents purchased
after the family moved from California in 1965.
Williams steps out of the car, straightens his Scooby-Doo tie. He
thinks he should be dressed well in public.
He looks at the towering oak in the front yard.
"I planted that in September of '65," Williams says.
"It was only 6 feet tall then." Now, it stands at least 50 feet.
Williams likes to talk about the things he was able to accomplish
in his early life. He boasts that he put up all the antennas in this
neighborhood. He points to the living room of the split-level house. "I
got married there, in front of the fireplace," he says.
A neighbor, curious about strangers parked outside, walks up to
Williams. "May I help you?"
"Oh, we're just looking," he says. "I used to live
in that house. I joined the military from there. I'm a Vietnam-era
veteran."
It feels good for Williams to say that aloud. He lives burdened by
guilt that he never shipped out for a combat tour with the rest of the guys;
that he got to live when others died. Vietnam, he says, "That's unfinished
business."
He borrows from Shakespeare. "A coward dies a thousand
deaths; a brave man but once. When you are told you are a coward, you die those
thousand deaths."
It's about to rain. Williams' wispy white hair flutters in the
breeze. Tears stream down his gaunt face.
He doesn't know whether the assistant drill sergeant who raped him
is alive still. He'd like to show him X-rays of his broken body. He'd like to
tell him the horror within that will never die.
Outside his old house, he says goodbye to the curious stranger and
begins to fold up his walker to put in the back seat. Things, Williams tells
the man, aren't always what they appear to be.
As a symbol of his troubles, he wears an orange wristband on his
left arm with the number of a veterans' crisis line. Next to it is another band
with the name of the film he is in: "Justice Denied." He makes sure
the two always overlap.
Rape victims say military labels them
'crazy' I KNOW THAT I AM IN AN ' INFORMATION HUB,' AND TO A CERTAIN DEGREE SOME PEOPLE ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF ME, YET I AM GOING TO TRY TO TAKE ABIT MORE TIME BEFORE I WRITE.
I AM ALSO VERY AWARE OF THE DC SHIPYARD KILLINGS, BUT THERE HAVE BEEN TOO MANY ' HAPPENINGS ' WITHIN ' THIS EVENT.'
I ALMOST MET TRAVIS WALTON AND THAT JUST ' BURNS A HOLE IN MY HEAD.!'
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